Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
