I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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