my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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