It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I party with great urgency now.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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