Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
should my penis look like a turkey
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
