At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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