This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
