I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
