A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
