the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize