I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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