he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
