I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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