oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Randomize