Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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