Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize