Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
