Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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