he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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