you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
