you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Everyone says I win the strip club
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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