i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
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