im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
He told me they were just razor bumps!
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
