You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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