Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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