i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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