Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I didn't notice because vodka
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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