Apparently you make a good broom.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
