I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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