I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
