I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
