remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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