Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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