Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
