i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
