I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
