wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
