I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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