why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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