I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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