I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
