my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
