I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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