The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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