Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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