Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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