just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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