nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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