I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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