you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
