So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize