its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize