i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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