I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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