Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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