Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
