I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize