here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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