My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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