a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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