I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
