Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
