LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
