i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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