i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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